Breaking Free: Coparenting Options When Dealing with a Narcissistic Ex-Spouse

April 20, 2023 Danielle A. Calise

Coparenting is Difficult When Dealing with a Narcissistic Ex-Spouse

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As a divorced parent, co-parenting with your ex-spouse can be a challenge, but when that ex-spouse exhibits narcissistic personality disorder, the task can seem insurmountable. Narcissistic individuals have a distorted sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy, complicating efforts to collaborate in the best interests of your children. This article delves into the complexities of co parenting with a narcissist, examining alternative options, how family courts handle disputes, coping strategies, and the necessity of seeking professional help for dealing with a narcissistic co parent.

Understanding why coparenting with a narcissist is impossible

Co-parenting with a narcissist is impossible due to their inability to prioritize their children's needs over their own. Narcissists, craving constant attention and admiration, will manipulate situations to their advantage, often resulting in narcissistic abuse. They might use their children as pawns to extract concessions from you or attempt to alienate them from you. As a narcissistic parent, they also have difficulty respecting boundaries and may frequently intrude into your life, hindering your ability to move on from the relationship.

It is crucial to recognize that the difficulties of co-parenting with a narcissist are not your fault. You cannot alter their behavior, nor can you persuade them to empathize with your perspective. Your focus should be on emotional regulation and what you can control, which includes your reactions and how you manage your responses to their behavior.

When coparenting can't happen, what options do you have?

When co-parenting with a narcissist is unfeasible, you have two alternative options: parallel parenting and bird nesting. Parallel parenting with a narcissist involves disengaging from each other and limiting contact. In this arrangement, you and your ex-spouse adhere to your own parenting plans and routines for your children, communicating only as necessary. Parallel parenting narcissist strategies allow you to preserve your well-being while remaining an active participant in your children's lives.

Bird nesting is when your children stay in the family home, and you and your ex-spouse alternate living there. This option can be costly and demands extensive planning and communication. Nonetheless, it provides your children with a stable home environment and the opportunity to maintain quality time with both parents.

Parallel Parenting

Parallel parenting is a co-parenting strategy that enables divorced or separated parents to effectively raise their children while minimizing conflict and reducing the need for communication. This method emphasizes creating independent parenting environments, allowing each parent to manage their parental responsibilities and make decisions without the other's interference. Beneficial in high-conflict situations, parallel parenting plans foster equal involvement in the children's lives while limiting direct interaction. By setting clear boundaries, it aims to offer stability and consistency for the children, with each parent establishing their own routines and disciplinary methods to ensure the children's sense of security.

Counter Parenting

Counter parenting is a parenting approach that involves going against traditional parenting methods. It challenges the conventional wisdom and seeks to find alternative ways to raise children. This approach aims to empower children and give them more autonomy and independence. Counter parenting encourages parents to listen to their children's opinions and involve them in decision-making processes. It promotes open communication and fosters a sense of equality between parents and children. This parenting style recognizes that children have their own unique personalities, needs, and desires, and it seeks to respect and nurture those individual qualities. Counter parenting can be seen as a way to break free from societal norms and expectations, allowing parents to create a more personalized and tailored approach to raising their children. It emphasizes the importance of understanding and empathizing with children's emotions and experiences, and it encourages parents to be flexible and adaptable in their parenting strategies. Overall, counter parenting is about challenging the status quo and finding innovative ways to support and guide children as they grow and develop.

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Malicious Parenting

Malicious parenting refers to a form of parenting that involves intentionally and deliberately engaging in harmful or destructive behaviors towards one's child. This type of parenting is characterized by a lack of empathy, compassion, and concern for the well-being of the child. It can manifest in various ways, such as physical abuse, emotional manipulation, neglect, or verbal aggression. The main objective of malicious parenting is to exert control and power over the child, often at the expense of their emotional and psychological development. The psychological effects of malicious parenting can have long-lasting negative impacts on the child, affecting their self-esteem, relationships, and overall mental health.

Parent Alienation

Parent alienation refers to the psychological manipulation and emotional abuse of a child by one parent against the other parent, often during or after a divorce or separation. It involves the deliberate actions of one parent to undermine the child's relationship with the other parent, leading to the child's rejection or hostility towards the targeted parent. This phenomenon, known as parental alienation, can have long-lasting negative effects on the child's well-being and the parent-child relationship. Parent alienation can manifest in various ways, such as making derogatory remarks about the targeted parent, interfering with visitation or communication, or even fabricating false allegations of abuse. It is important to recognize and address parent alienation to protect the child's emotional and psychological development and promote healthy co-parenting relationships.

How family courts handle coparenting disputes

Family courts understand that co-parenting with a narcissist is challenging, and they have processes in place for dispute resolution and divorce mediation to handle disputes. However, it is important to understand that family courts typically support the person who is willing to co-parent. If your ex-spouse is not willing to co-parent, you will need to provide evidence to support your case.

Family courts may order a custody evaluation to determine the best interests of your children, which is a key component of custody agreements. The evaluator will look at factors such as the relationship between you and your ex-spouse, the relationship between each parent and the children, and the children's emotional and physical needs, including physical custody considerations. It is important to cooperate with the evaluator and provide them with any information they request.

Why family courts support the person who refuses to coparent

Family courts should support the person who is willing to co-parent because it is in the best interests of the children, aligning with the principles of joint legal custody and shared parenting. Children benefit from having a relationship with both parents, and it is important for parents to put their differences aside and work together. If one parent is not willing to co-parent, it can have a negative impact on the children's emotional well-being and legal custody arrangements.

While family courts may understand that co-parenting with a narcissist is impossible, and they should take steps to protect the children from emotional harm, the professionals involved don’t have the requisite skills to understand the harm that is taking place. Many mental health care professionals involved in custody evaluations will take the side of the parent refusing to coparent to simply end the custody battle. This seems counterintuitive and until such time as change is forced upon the family court system, children and targeted parents will continue to suffer.

Coping strategies for dealing with a narcissistic ex-spouse

Dealing with a narcissistic ex-spouse can be emotionally draining, but employing coping strategies and setting clear boundaries for co-parenting with a narcissist can protect both you and your children. The first step is to establish firm boundaries and adhere to them. Make it clear to your ex-spouse what your expectations are, especially regarding communication, and avoid engaging in disputes that do not pertain to co-parenting matters.

It is also crucial to have a support system. Surround yourself with friends and family who understand your situation and can offer emotional support. Consider co-parenting counseling with a narcissist or joining a support group for divorced parents to bolster your resilience.

You can request that all communications be reviewed by an attorney specializing in parenting coordination. Sadly, in my experience, these attorneys don’t always take action and may inadvertently allow the narcissistic parent to continue their disruptive behavior.

Seeking professional help for coparenting challenges

If you are struggling to co-parent with a narcissist, seeking professional help is important. A therapist can assist you in developing coping strategies and provide guidance on how to co-parent with a narcissist effectively. They can also support you in handling the emotional trauma associated with a relationship with a narcissist.

A parenting coordinator, experienced in dealing with a parenting coordinator narcissist, can also be instrumental in managing the co-parenting relationship. They can serve as a neutral mediator between you and your ex-spouse and help you create a parenting plan that is in the best interest of the children.

Conclusion and key takeaways

While co-parenting with a narcissist can seem impossible, alternative options such as parallel parenting and bird nesting exist. Family courts, recognizing that co-parenting with a narcissist ex is often unfeasible, will take measures to safeguard the children. Employing coping strategies, like setting boundaries and seeking professional help, can aid in managing the co-parenting relationship. Remember, you can't change your ex-spouse's behavior, but you can control your own and how you respond to them. With the right support and strategies, you can navigate the complexities of how to coparent with a narcissist.

Call to Action

If you are struggling to co-parent with a narcissistic ex-spouse, know that you are not alone. Seek help from a therapist or parenting coordinator who can provide guidance and support. Remember to focus on what you can control, such as your behavior and how you respond to your ex-spouse's behavior. With the right support and strategies, you can overcome the challenges of co parenting with a covert narcissist.